So I plan to try and make blogging a part of my life during this Christmas break, so that when I start classes again I’ll already have put blogging into my daily routine.

Now, for a real blog post (lol):

I’m finally almost finished with my first semester as a full-time student! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  I’m so happy to be done with this semester.  Next semester will be a little different… I still have one special class for the honors program, but instead of a lot of 101 level classes with mostly theories, I’ll have mostly 200 and 300 level classes.  I have Political science, Social work, and Psychology classes at these levels, and then I also have Arabic 102. Very different classes, which is pretty nice I think.

I’m trying to get ready for the holidays… I’m making sweaters for my neice and I want to try and make one hat for her. I’m making a baseball cap for my nephew, and maybe some socks?  I grabbed clothes for them at thrift stores and now I’m trying to make sweaters and accessories to match the clothes.  Kind of an odd thing, to give thrift store clothes to someone for Christmas, but it’s a good way to get them lots of outfits without going broke. 

And now, I’m gonna lay down… I’ve been sick this week and plan to spend today resting, reading, watching movies, and crocheting.

Blow after blow
Shattering my confidence
Eroding my faith in my ideas, my strengths,
My self

Which blow crushed me into silence?
An empty shell of who I was
Selling my soul to the god of Acceptance
Losing myself, my beliefs, my dreams

Where is my voice?
Buried under a sea of voices
Telling me to be less than who I am
Tone it down
Be less intense
Just fit in

Cramming me into a mold I wasn’t made for
I sold myself out
I became silent
A shadow of the person I was created to be

Who Gave You The Right

When I needed your support,
you ridiculed me instead.
When I just wanted to make friends,
you made it your mission to make me cry.
When I wanted to clap my hands with enthusiasm,
you told me I was the wrong race to do that.
When I expressed my soul,
you ground it into the dirt
until nothing remained.

And friendships are interesting, which is why I’m going to write about them today.  That, and I need to figure some things out because I see a new counselor on Thursday and I’d like to have something deep and impressive to share by then. 

Friendships, at the moment, are complicated.  I listed my current 10 closest friends, and noticed a few things. 

Of my 10 real-life current friends who are not related to me by blood or marriage:
50% I have spent time with in the last six months  (yes, I have not hung out with 50% of my friends in the last 6 months)
40% seem to only desire friendship when they need something
4o% would be described as needy by others

These are not the same 40 % for each group, either.

One thing my counselor and I talked about at length is why I choose the unhealthy friendships that I do.   I choose friends who suck my soul and then leave.  I apparently do this because my fear of abandonment drives me to make friends who need me… because needy people stay longer.  I feel like I have worth to them because of what I do, so I feel like they will stay.

I’m realizing more and more as I mature, that these friendships are destructive.  They are destructive to my heart, to my confidence, to my marriage…  and I want healthy friendships. 

But how on earth does one form healthy friendships?  Historically my friendships have started out with a need being met.  How does one even start a healthy friendship?? I have no idea. I don’t know how to start one or keep it going. 

I’m working on making new friendships to replace some unhealthy ones I’m minimizing.  It’s… not going well.  I have four prospective new friends at the moment.

One’s husband likes me more than she does.  THAT’S akward!  
Three are from foreign countries, still learning English.  That’s complicated.
Two are from different religions than me.  That’s really complicated.
One I have known for quite some time, but our bond is always pretty shallow.  That’s disappointing.
Two were friends of a friend… I tried to make friends… it hasn’t gone well.  Both have my phone numbers.  Neither have called.  I’m probably impatient… maybe they will later.  I don’t know.

I think maybe i make friends who are different from me (different religions, different ethnicities, different nationalities) because I am so insecure about my friendship skills.  I always make friends like this… historically I’ve made friends with Amish people, Mexicans, African Americans, Muslims… I think down inside I just always hope that if I make friends with different backgrounds, if I have low social skills, they will assume it’s from our differences and not just from deficiencies in me.  

Insecurity and abandonment, I meet thee again. 

Making friends makes me panic.  I feel nervous, I feel insecure… the anxiety drives me to say things wrong, do do the wrong thing, to be the social equivalent of the ackward teenager in the corner…

So this is where I am.  I have no idea where I’m going or how to get out of this or how to heal.  I don’t even know the place to begin. 

It’s just complicated.

Today, I think of you as I read about the heart system for a biology class.  I read the description of an EKG and I remember the wiers, the monitors.  I remember the beeps and how they slowed.  I remember your breaths, how loud they sounded in that tiny room.  I remember how in the end your body shuddered with the breaths, like it took all of your strength to even take in the air.   I remember the beeps stopping, the waves on the monitor changing into flat lines, and holding you… The nurse didn’t even realize you were gone until after I let you go.

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  I wish you were here, holding me tight. 

My head tells me to go back to reading… to put this aside, I have work to do, I have assignments to be done and reading to finish…

But I don’t want to put you aside today.  I want to remember you, even if it means feeling this pain.  The pain of your memory may cut like a knife, but it bursts the bubble of my dream-like image of you, and reminds me that you were real, flesh and blood.  I don’t want to forget.

I thought of you yesterday,
how you seemed like a dream
How my memories of you were fading

Your picture was a knife
grief cutting deep into my chest
a welcome tortue.

The pain keeps you real.

I found myself hanging out at the home of a Muslim woman from Lebanon.  I was celebrating the birth of her daughter, along with two other Muslim women, one from Morocco and one from Libya.  I exchanged kissing sound-beside-the-cheek-kissing sound-beside-the-other-cheek’s with three people, which is something I NEVER thought I’d do.  It was shockingly natural, and not wierd at all.  I was entertained by an immitation of her 2 and a half year old son trying to pray, and amazed at an offer of help crocheting from her mother, who is apparently crazy fast with a crochet hook.  I drank Turkish coffee (think asphalt mixed with spices, with the consistancy of espresso.) and ate baklava. 

In a week or so I’ll be having a language lesson with the Libyan, who will also teach us how to make Baklava and possibly style our hair.  I was invited back to the house of the Lebanese woman, and entertained by her daughter’s chatter and questions about how to crochet and what I could make. 

It was really and truly an amazing day!

It wasn’t without it’s problems… since there were so many people, and some spoke minimal or no English, my roomate was overwhelmed by translation.  I missed large gaps in the conversation, which was a little sad. I didn’t get to know the Libyan woman nearly as well as I would like to have, because of the language barrier.  I depended on SuperSissy to make future plans, and am not sure my friendships with these ladies will be able to continue when SuperSissy moves out.  I really think though that they can and hopefully will. 

Overall, I’m filled with warm fuzzies, and sooooooooooo grateful for the blessing God put in my life when he gave me a sweet and wonderful SuperSissy.

Add to that the fact that I feel like I’m failing as a craft business… I feel like I’m making crap with no heart or soul, and really not even getting a whole lot of that done.  That’s completely unfair to myself, since I’ve just had some great ideas today for things to collage that people might actually pay money for…. and collage IS the art that contains my heart and soul. 

Anyway, enough for now.  More soon!

Bibs – 11
Purses – 3
Hats – 7
Potholders – 4
Mini-Butterflies – 3
Baby sweater – 1
Scarf – 1
Dishcloths – 9
Total: 39

Now, after much time has passed, I decided to come back and see how much I’d accomplished.  I finished 8 items from the bin, but I had made more items to put in it too. 

Bibs – 16
Purses – 1
Hats – 8
Potholders – 7
Mini-Butterflies – 1
Dishcloths – 6
Total: 39

It makes me ridiculously excited inside to know that this number has stayed the same (I thought it would have risen dramatically) in spite of how many new projects i had started in the last week. )

In other happy art-news, I tried a new collage tecnique today, which made me sooooooo happy.  I used the petals of the rose my husband gave me to make the lid to a box, and it looks AMAZING. I have to make sure it will stay okay, that the color of the petals won’t change, and that it will be durable… but if so, it will be a REALLY amazing thing.  I’ll show pics soon, just have to get a cord for the camera.  Right now SuperSissy’s computer isn’t working, so I can’t borrow hers to upload the pics anymore, and my current computer doesn’t have a slot for a memory card. (

I made two lists last night before bed: “Big Things Janet Needs to Do”  and then a general to-do list with boxes to check upon completion.

Today’s goals:

Dishes
Clean off Table
Organize Bills
Pray
Devotions
Relax
Organize Projects on Table

I have a MILLION unfinished crafts (I’ll count them later) that just require a little bit of this or a little bit of that… some have flowers made but not sewn on, some little bees waiting to be sewn on… so I decided to match all the projects and their embellishments up in neat little piles on the table, so tomorrow I can just focus on getting those done and into the “done” boxes.

My husband, bless his little soul, is getting me Diet Coke so I will have my superpower for the day. 

And what, you may ask, is my reward for getting this all done?

Hehe, I bought three new patterns yesterday, and I get to try them out!  They are for baby booties… Short Cuff Boots, Green Mary Janes, and Poppy Baby Booties.  When I get done with my other tasks, I am SO going to try and make these!!!!